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      <td align="left" height="281" valign="top" width="621">October 21st, 2005
        <p><font face="Arial">Recently I was handed a Maxim magazine article
        from a few years back that was a rather stupid and badly researched
        article listing what Maxim deemed to be the 50 most lame superheroes of
        all time. In my far reaching memory I remember talk of this article
        because, when it was originally published, the list created quite a stir
        amongst the comic book community as nearly every major superhero, with
        the exception of Batman, the Hulk, Spiderman and Wolverine were on the
        list. The list of the "lamest" superheroes included Wonder
        Woman, Green Lantern, Dr. Strange, the Flash, Green Arrow and Captain
        Marvel (a.k.a. Shazam to our friends who don't read comic books) and
        even Superman - unquestionably the greatest and most famous superhero in
        the history of publishing. The #1 lamest character of all time,
        according to Maxim, was Batman's pal Robin - yet the writer's main
        criticism was about Robin's silver age costume, a costume he hasn't worn
        for over ten years, but hey, I guess they needed an excuse to make a few
        below the belt gay jokes.</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">Anyhow, with a bit of better research the ass who
        wrote the article could have written a far better one. I decided to sit
        down and do the subject some justice. So for your enjoyment</font></p>
        <p align="center"><b><font face="Arial Black" size="4">CONFESSIONS OF A
        POP CULTURE ADDICT PROUDLY PRESENTS</font></b></p>
        <p align="center"><b><font face="Arial Black">(in no particular order)</font></b></p>
        <p align="center"><b><font color="#ff0000" face="Arial Black" size="6">&nbsp;</font><font color="#ff0000" face="Comic Sans MS" size="7">THE
        TOP TEN LAMEST SUPERHEROES OF ALL TIME</font></b></p>
        <p><font face="Arial"><img src="lamestsuperheroes_files/Cypher.jpg" align="left" border="0" height="208" width="187">#10.
        <b>Cypher</b> - Cypher (a.k.a. Doug Ramsey) was a member of the
        "New Mutants" which was an affiliate of the X-Men. They were
        the young mutants that were being trained by Professor X and the rest of
        the X-Men in the 1980s. Cypher's mutant ability was to basically
        decipher anything. You know, like languages and secret codes and stuff.
        Yup - that was it. He was pretty much a translator. Furthermore, he was
        just this little guy who didn't have any fighting skills. To put it
        bluntly, poor Cypher was worthless during battle. When it came to
        defeating Galactus he wasn't going to be much good, but if the X-Men's
        mansion's DVD player manual was only in Japanese, Cypher was your man.
        It's probably not any surprise to you that Cypher was killed off and
        never brought back. Yet, for some reason, he remains a fan favourite to
        this day.</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">#9. <b>The</b><img src="lamestsuperheroes_files/redbee.gif" align="right" border="0" height="253" width="150"><b>
        Red Bee</b> - Appearing in the 1940s in "Hit Comics #1" the
        Red Bee was basically your powerless vigilante type character. However
        instead of wearing a cool costume like Batman or the Shadow, the Red Bee
        opted for a red pirate shirt with pink pouffy sleeves and red and yellow
        striped tights. However, what made the Red Bee truly lame wasn't just
        his eyesore of a costume, but the fact that he fought crime with the aid
        of a trained bumble bee! That's right! You read it right! A trained
        bumble bee named Michael that lived in a compartment in the Red Bee's
        belt buckle. I'm serious!&nbsp; A frikkin' trained bumble bee... named
        Michael! So unless the Red Bee's villains were allergic to bee stings he
        wasn't much good. It may not surprise you that they also killed off the
        Red Bee in the pages of "All Star Squadron" but, again, the
        Red Bee remains to "bee" a fan favourite to this day.</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial"><img src="lamestsuperheroes_files/brotherpower.jpg" align="left" border="0" height="264" width="128">#
        8. <b>Brother Power the Geek </b>- In the late 1960s Captain America
        creator Joe Simon created Brother Power the Geek in the pages of
        "Brother Power the Geek #1". Brother Power was a mannequin
        that was hit by lightening and came to life with super strength and
        other limitless magical powers. Also, since he was a dummy you couldn't
        kill him or even really hurt him. Essentially Brother Power was more
        powerful than even Superman. I mean, in a fight between Superman and
        Brother Power, Brother Power could technically win considering that his
        powers were untapped and Superman can be harmed by magic. Anyways,
        Brother Power lived amongst the flower people and preached love and
        peace and fought against "the man" and "the
        establishment". Brother Power made an attempt to run for president,
        but was accidentally shot into space in the pages of "Brother Power
        the Geek #2". While that story was "to be continued" it
        wasn't completed for over thirty years. After two issues Brother Power
        was cancelled, making it the fastest cancelled comic from a major
        publisher. Brother Power eventually made his return to earth in the 90's
        in a well-written story by Neil Gaiman in a "Swamp Thing"
        Annual. Once again, it may not be surprising that the two issues of
        "Brother Power the Geek" are cult favorites and very sought
        after books.</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">#7. <img src="lamestsuperheroes_files/mattereaterlad.jpg" align="right" border="0" height="180" width="133"><b>Matter
        Eater Lad</b> - Matter Eater Lad should at least get the award for the
        worst superhero name in comic history. Matter Eater Lad was a character
        from Legion of the Superheroes. Now in the 1960s the writers at DC
        comics were always looking for new and strange powers for their quickly
        growing cast of teenage futuristic heroes.&nbsp; However, though it
        seemed like they'd hit their all time low with Bouncing Boy, it turned
        out they could sink even lower with Matter Eater Lad. Get this - Matter
        Eater Lad's power was the ability to eat through any substance. Yup. The
        power of "super eating". It kind of worked like this: you
        needed to get through a steel door you got Matter Eater Lad to
        "eat" it. Dig? However Matter Eater Lad wasn't into
        cannibalism so he never actually chowed down on any bad guys. Mind you,
        I think cannibalism was against the comic code act back then.</font></p>
        <p><img src="lamestsuperheroes_files/dogwelder-intro.jpg" align="left" border="0" height="275" width="136"><font face="Arial">#6.
        <b>Dogwelder</b> - Dogwelder was a character from Garth Ennis' "Hitman"
        series. Dogwelder was part of a superhero team known as Section Eight
        which was a band of these crazy guys that fought crime in rather inane
        ways. Dogwelder is my favourite of the bunch. He's this madman in a
        silver welder's outfit that basically just goes around welding stray
        dogs to villains' faces. That's it. That's how he fought crime. Welding
        dogs to people. Mind you it would be a bitch of a thing to have happen
        to you. You try to rob a bank and you end up with a Lhasa Apso welded to
        your face, yapping for eternity. *shudder*</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">#5. <b>Arm Fall Off Boy</b> - Ah, that crazy
        Legion of Sup<img src="lamestsuperheroes_files/armfalloffboy.jpg" align="right" border="0" height="185" width="403">erheroes
        and their crazy writers! They'll let heroes with some of the stupidest
        powers into the Legion, but they pass up a great character like
        Arm Fall Off Boy. Arm Fall Off Boy is an oddity all his own because
        although he only made one appearance in a comic book ever (Secret
        Origins #46 [1989]), his appearance was so memorable that he has a cult
        following to this day. Arm Fall Off Boy made an apperance at a Legion of 
        Superheroes recruitment drive where he displayed his "astounding" power 
        to Saturn Girl, Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy. His power? To detach his 
        left arm from his body and use it as a
        club. Sadly, Arm Fall Off Boy was surprised when the Legion let him know
        that his talents weren't quite right for their organization.
        Arm Fall Off Boy sulked away into comic book oblivion, but was not
        forgotten. One only wonders how he felt when later on the Legion would
        accept Bouncing Boy and, well, Matter Eater Lad to their ranks.</font></p>
        <p><b><font face="Arial"><img src="lamestsuperheroes_files/paco.jpg" align="right" border="0" height="223" width="181"></font></b><font face="Arial">#4.
        <b>Vibe</b> - The year was 1983. Break dancing was big. I mean really
        big, and being a fad that grew out of the Spanish American subculture
        all of America was embracing Spanish culture. Yup - Spanish Americans
        were a big thing. This was when Menudo was a sensation and Eric Estrada
        was a sex symbol. Anyhow, DC comics followed suit with their own break
        dancing Spanish superhero called Vibe. Vibe, a former Detroit gang
        leader left his West Side Story antics behind and moon walked his way
        into the Justice League and had fairly good powers (the power to create
        shockwaves - much like an earthquake) but spent most of his time hitting
        on women and dancing the night away. It should be no surprise that Vibe
        was also killed, and never brought back and actually has no cult
        following at all. Everybody just kind of likes to forget about him. Vibe
        is thought of today as the stain on the legacy of the Justice League.</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">#3. <b>The Legion of the Superpets </b>- In the
        late 1950s and the early 1960s DC just kind of got weird. They kept<img src="lamestsuperheroes_files/superPets_1.jpg" align="left" border="0" height="171" width="232">
        introducing all these super intelligent animals with the same
        superpowers as Superman who all wore red capes. The first was Krypto the
        Superdog who was sent to earth by Superman's father Jor-El in a test
        rocket before he sent Superman to make sure it worked alright. Superman
        and Krypto were reunited on earth when Superman was a teenager and they
        fought crime together. Next was Beppo the Supermonkey. Beppo had pretty
        much the same story. Jor-El also sent a monkey to make sure the rocket
        would work. Everybody knows that comics need a chimp, so Beppo provided
        comic relief by wearing a Superman costume. The next was Streaky the
        Supercat. Now Streaky wasn't sent from Krypton in a rocket but was
        infected by white Kryptonite which gave earth animals superpowers.
        Finally came Comet the Superhorse. Comet was an alien horse that was
        really a man who had a curse put on him by some scorned goddess (or
        something like that) and turned human once a year and romanced Supergirl,
        but the rest of the year was nothing but her pet horse (holy bestiality
        Batman!). Anyways, these animals eventually joined forces to become the
        Legion of the Superpets. I swear to god.</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">#<img src="lamestsuperheroes_files/zan.jpg" align="right" border="0" height="312" width="115">2
        - <b>Zan from the Wonder Twins</b> - Remember the Wonder Twins from the
        Superfriends cartoon? Zan and Jayna were these alien twins - Jayne could
        turn into an animal while Zan turned into a water element. So while
        Jayna could be a gorilla or a rhino or a cobra Zan could become a bucket
        of water or an ice cube. To say the least, Zan wasn't much good when it
        came to saving the world. I mean what would have happened to Zan if he
        was faced with Doomsday? Get Doomsday wet? Yeah... sorry Zan, that's NOT
        going to stop him. However, if the Superfriends ever fought the Wicked
        Witch of the West, Zan would be your man. Unfortunately for Zan, the
        Wicked Witch of the West is not owned by DC comics.</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">and finally....</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">#1 - <b>Aqualad</b> - Now everybody likes to pick
        on Aquaman as being lame - but can you i<img src="lamestsuperheroes_files/aqualad.jpg" align="left" border="0" height="245" width="181">magine
        being his sidekick? I take you now to a meeting of the Teen Titans...</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">Robin: Okay everybody - how was your week this
        week? This week Batman and I stopped the Joker from causing mass
        genocide! What did you do this week Speedy?</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">Speedy: This week Green Arrow and I shook down
        some crooked politicians, joined a peace rally, stopped some racist cops
        and fed the homeless some of Green Arrow's famous chili - how about you
        Donna?</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">Wonder Girl: Wow - me and Wonder Woman flew to
        Mount Olympus in her invisible jet and had a special meeting with Zeus
        and the other gods of Mount Olympus... how about you Aqualad?</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">Aqualad: Ummmm... me and Aquaman stopped some
        dolphins from going into a hydro dam!</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">Kid Flash: Wow - you suck Aqualad.</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">Furthermore, Aqualad had this really dumb looking
        perm - making him look like a Brady... Thanks for coming out Aqualad...</font></p>
        <p><font face="Arial">So that's it, dear friends. However there are so
        many more characters I've left off the list! Jean the Baton and the rest
        of Section 8, The Inferior Five, the Lieutenant Marvels (with Hoppy the
        Marvel Bunny), Bouncing Boy (and other various Legionnaires) and the
        golden age Red Tornado just to name a few.&nbsp; However, as you can
        see, there are lame superhero ideas out there. Just those dimwits at
        Maxim magazine didn't want to take the time to find them. Perhaps they
        should stop spending so much time thinking about half-naked starlets and
        read a few more comic books.</font></p>
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